If I were mayor………….

So many of my followers have asked me why I don’t run for office. I’d be lying if I tell you I’ve never given it any thought. A funny thing has happened to me lately that’s drastically changed my view on politics and life as a whole. If a racist and narcissistic prick like Donal Trump can almost make it to the most powerful office in the world than I can certainly win a seat in next year’s Montreal municipal election. Hell why can’t I even be the next mayor of Montreal ?
In preparation of an eventual win as mayor I’ve decided to share with you here for the first time my platform. The name of my party would be Équipe de sens commun pour Montréal. Translated into English would be Team common sense for Montreal. No this is not a joke and yes this is what I’d really name it. Every politician we know have all lost the concept of common sense. It really isn’t that hard. We can do this by working on a platform that takes conventional wisdom and throws it out the window. After numerous hours with my advisors here is what we’ve come up with:

Montreal’s 375th birthday bash:

The only lights you’ll see on the Jacques Cartier Bridge would be from the cars that drive on it at night. I’ll take the 39.5 million dollars and spread it out amongst the endless institutions that need it. Put more doctors in our hospitals and health care in general, renovate all of our schools and give our teachers long overdue raises, and of course continued support to fix our infrastructure.


Unfortunately this is a necessary evil. Years of neglect and corruption has brought us to this point. However, don’t tell me I can’t find a coordinator that won’t order 1000 work sites all at the same god damn time. No one at city hall has ever asked the question ? Hey Denis, maybe we should try to make our constituents lives just a little easier.  Sorry I forgot we’re not allowed asking his highness any questions that can be construed as challenging his devine power. Above all, it’s safe to assume that Montrealers are tired of getting in the ass when it comes to over inflated construction costs with no oversight. Every work site would have an inspector overseeing every aspect of the job. If a contractor would fail to meet the conditions set in the contract covering materials and time limits, they would be heavily penalized. Every contractor would be scrutinized to the point that anal probes would be ordered for all owners. All winning contracts would be scrutinized and inspected by a non partisan third party review board with various experts. 

Arts & Museum

I’d put a stop to every contract that’s been signed for future public art projects. I think we’ve collected enough monstrosities for future generations to enjoy. Let’s fix our multitude of problems before we even think about “beautifying” our city. For the record I use the word beautifying very loosely.

3.45 million for granite tree stumps, 1.1 million for a fake ferris wheel, 166 million to renovate the Olympic stadium (I’d blow this piece of shit to pieces if given the chance) 39.5 million to light up the Jacques Cartier bridge, 700k to renovate a gazebo, 680k for large slabs of concrete and marble for Lasalle’s 100th birthday, and too many more to mention. A grand total of 211.4 million dollars ! Might as well take that 211.4 million and burn it or bet it all on black at the Montreal Casino.

Civil service

I’d cut at least half of the useless, pencil pushing, and lazy civil servants we have. On that note, every cop would be ordered to get back into uniform or risk losing their job, plain and simple. Enough is enough. You look like clowns and you further taint the image of Montreal.These unions have had Montrealers by the throat for far too long. 


To stimulate investment in our cities I would do the following in no particular order. Personally kick the shit out of any OQLF inspector should they step foot in any Montreal business. Get rid of the endless red tape for businesses, lower business taxes, and of course finally officially declare Montreal a bilingual city.

There you have it folks, some common sense politics. I know the two don’t fit in the same sentence but I’m willing to give it a try if you are. 


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